Christine Ubben, M.A., L.P.C.

University of Minnesota Extension Service

If you're looking for encouraging, supportive resources for you and/or your family, take a few moments to browse the University of Minnesota Extension website. They offer very helpful, practical tips for families throughout the year. For additional parenting/family resources, visit the Parenting Resource page on the University of Minnesota Extension website.

August 20, 2009

Connect @ Home
Helping you connect the challenges you face at home with solutions

School success requires parent involvement
By Kathleen Olson, Extension Educator, Family Relations

Your children are learning the most from you - by watching you, talking to you and interacting with you. In many ways, parents are the most important teachers children will have and it's important to support your children's education both at school and at home.

School success depends on six factors fostered in the home by parents.

1. Expectations - Children learn better when parents have clear and reasonable expectations. Talk with your child's teachers to be clear about what you both expect in behavior. Ask about the quality and quantity of schoolwork required and make sure your children understand what will happen if they do not meet expectations and the benefits of what will happen if they do.

2. Structure - Children learn better when parents provide a regular routine. Help them schedule their time. Make sure they have time to get schoolwork done. And to provide balance, allow time for fun activities.

3. Learning - Children learn better when they have opportunities outside of school. Children don't stop learning when they leave school, but they also absorb experiences they have outside of school. The more positive and constructive learning experiences children have outside of school, the better they do in school.

4. Support - Children learn better when parents regularly give them support and praise. Give your children frequent verbal support and praise them often in their schoolwork, progress and efforts. Let kids know that you care about them and how they perform in school; because this increases their self-confidence and helps them do better in school.

5. Relationships - Children learn better when they feel safe and accepted at home and at school. At home, children benefit when family members treat each other with warmth and respect. In school, students learn best in a climate where staff and students respect each other. In addition, children need to feel safe from emotional and physical bullying and other violence in school as well as on the way to and from school.

6. Modeling - Children learn better when parents and other adults set a good example. When parents read, study, ask questions, talk about education, set goals and get involved they set a positive example. Your children watch you, so strive to be a role model.

Parents should be partners with their child's teacher. Introduce yourself to the teacher and talk about goals, communication preferences, concerns you have about your child, etc. Talk with teachers even when things are going well with your child, not just when problems arise. If there are problems, it is easier to work them out if you already have a relationship with the teacher. You and the teacher can work together in your different roles to help your children succeed in school.

University of Minnesota Extension and the Children, Youth & Family Consortium's Partnering for School Success project provide more information at www.parenting.umn.edu.
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Kathleen Olson has spent her career focusing on parenting issues and believes that most issues we face in life go back to parenting. She is an Extension Educator in Family Relations for the University of Minnesota and has two children of her own. U of M News Wires and the columns within them are a free service provided by the University of Minnesota News Service. We ask that you do not alter any of the content, this includes, titles, names and content in the columns. Requests and subscription inquiry should be sent to unews@umn.edu. For more information, visit www.unews.umn.edu and click on "U of M News Wire.

August 6, 2009

Connect @ Home
Helping you connect the challenges you face at home with solutions

The leaving home transition
By Kathleen Olson, Extension Educator, Family Relations

It's moving season and your child may be leaving for college or that first apartment to start a new job. Things in your family will be different from that point forward, even difficult, but in the next few weeks many parents will figure out how to make the transition for their family.

Parents can take the lead in the family to help with the transition by acknowledging that home life will be different. So what should parents expect to prepare for in the transition?

* As you prepare for the departure, don't be surprised if little spats arise that just seem out of the ordinary for your family. This is a stressful time for everyone.
* If you haven't done it before, expect to teach teens independent-living skills such as how to do laundry, cook, clean and budget money. For example many of my children's friends had little knowledge of food safety.
* Your teen probably has questions about leaving home, starting college or their first job, so don't wait to talk about it until you are driving away from home.
* For many, this may be the first time they have a "roommate" so discuss ahead of time some scenarios that may occur and possible ways to resolve conflicts.
* Put together a going-away gift and plan to send an occasional care-package from home to ease the transition for your child. Gather family photos and send along family contact info. Send your child's new contact information to relatives and friends and encourage them to write a short note or care package to your child. Getting mail was really important to my children when they were away from home.
* The first time your young adult returns home (we refer to it as re-entry), it will probably seem a little strange. You may have to adjust to playing a different parental role at home.
* Think about yourself too and take this opportunity to try a new hobby or enroll in a class. If you are married, talk about how you feel in this new stage and take some time together as a couple.

For many families, a child leaving home comes easily, but for some it is stressful and creates some conflict. As much as you hope you have prepared your teen, the reality is that some lessons are only gained by leaving home. Parents play a significant and active role in facilitating the transition and preparing for a child to leave home. However, this takes planning, whether your child is heading off across the country to college or to an apartment across town.
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Kathleen Olson has spent her career focusing on parenting issues and believes that most issues we face in life go back to parenting. She is an Extension Educator in Family Relations for the University of Minnesota and has two children of her own. U of M News Wires and the columns within them are a free service provided by the University of Minnesota News Service. We ask that you do not alter any of the content, this includes, titles, names and content in the columns. Requests and subscription inquiry should be sent to unews@umn.edu. For more information, visit www.unews.umn.edu and click on "U of M News Wire.

July 23, 2009

Connect @ Home
Helping you connect the challenges you face at home with solutions

Fighting in front of children
By Kathleen Olson, Extension Educator, Family Relations

We've all heard the parenting advice: "Don't fight in front of the kids." While this is great advice, most parents will find that over the many years of raising children it is much easier said than done. Conflict is a part of life, and it's more important how you resolve it than pretending it doesn't exist. Conflicts can give you a chance to teach your children how to discuss and work out problems without getting into a heated argument, fighting or putting your child in the middle.

Researchers say that couples who have unsettled fights in front of their children encourage negative thoughts and distress about marriage and family life. Children may also blame themselves for parents fighting. We know that a strong child-parent bond is the key to childrens' mental health and social adjustment. Research suggests that it's just as important for children to feel secure about their parents' relationship with each other.

Does this mean children shouldn't see their parents fight at all? No. While ideally you should avoid having huge fights in front of your children this doesn't mean that whenever children are around, parents always have to see eye-to-eye. Children of parents who have regular and resolved fights have higher levels of interpersonal poise and self-esteem than those whose parents have chronic unresolved fights or those whose parents appear not to fight at all.

The combination of raising children, financial problems, busy schedules and differences in personalities can combine to create problems in even the most stable relationship. Here are some tips on how to communicate and problem solve effectively.

* Set aside time to discuss issues when the children aren't around to distract or interrupt you.
* Decide on a code word for when things get stressful in front of the children. If you feel tensions rising say the code word so you can stop and discuss the problem in private later.
* Write your feelings down on paper or in an email. Sometimes it is easier to get all of your thoughts written before you are interrupted or worked up with anger.
* Think of your children. Remember how much you love them, and how painful it is for them to see the two people they love be angry with each other.
* Never involve children in arguments. It is extremely unfair and upsetting for children to feel that they are forced to take sides against one parent, no matter how strongly you feel that your spouse is wrong.
* Consider counseling if conflict seems unresolved and fighting continues. This provides parents with assistance, if needed, to learn how to better communicate.

If you have a disagreement in front of your child, pay close attention to how you make up afterwards. It is useful for children to observe how adults re-negotiate their relationship following conflict. This reassures children that when distance and anger come between family members, the relationship is not over but can be resumed and enjoyed again. If parents can learn to control anger and not blame the other, their behavior becomes a model the child can lean from.

A marriage takes work and time. You are teaching your child valuable lessons about how to behave and what to expect from close intimate relationships. When you model respect for your partner, your children have a much greater chance of learning how to do it in their own lives.
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Kathleen Olson has spent her career focusing on parenting issues and believes that most issues we face in life go back to parenting. She is an Extension Educator in Family Relations for the University of Minnesota and has two children of her own.

U of M News Wires and the columns within them are a free service provided by the University of Minnesota News Service. We ask that you do not alter any of the content, this includes, titles, names and content in the columns. Requests and subscription inquiry should be sent to unews@umn.edu. For more information, visit www.unews.umn.edu and click on "U of M News Wire.

July 9, 2009

Connect @ Home
Helping you connect the challenges you face at home with solutions

Time to have the "text talk"
By Kathleen Olson, Extension Educator, Family Relations

Having a cell phone is a great way for kids to stay in touch with friends and family. It can also become a distraction in the classroom, at mealtime, while driving or interfere with sleep. If this is a problem in your household, it's time to have a "text talk" with your child.

Parents can help their teen make smart texting choices. Talk to your kids - even if you don't think they are texting inappropriately. Some good ground rules are:

- How often to text
- How many texts they can send
- When and where it is appropriate to text
- What kind of texts are appropriate
- What are the consequences of inappropriate or potentially illegal texts

Remind your teen they can't control what happens once a message is sent, so they make good choices about what photos and content to include in text messages. By monitoring their use of technology, you can agree on a number of texts they can send per week and when and where texting can be done. Keep cell phones out of the bedroom and left in a central location at night, and make rules about when they can't text such as while driving, at mealtimes or at school.
There are pluses to text messaging. It can bring an introverted child out of their shell, boost their confidence and help them connect with friends.

However, for some teens, texting can become a habit that effects their schooling, ability to sleep, how they interact with friends face-to-face and keep them from doing other things. The back and forth nature of texting can cause kids to quickly lose track of time. For parents, unlimited text messaging on many cell phone plans may cause parents to stop paying attention to cell phone bills and the number of texts they are sending.

Ninety percent of teens have their own cell phone, and one third say they send text messages after 9 p.m. Just one in five teens is getting enough sleep at night; they may be texting the night away. According to a study published in the June 2009 issue of Pediatrics, teens underestimated the effect that technology had on their sleep habits and adults underestimate it too. Keeping the cell phone and other technology such as computers and televisions out of the bedroom will allow for uninterrupted sleep.

Even though cell phones are typically banned in school, most teens say they text during class, hiding it in their pocket, backpack or under their desk. Teachers can't tell students are texting and can't take the time everyday to police it. It may also interfere with jobs and other social interaction, as they are in constant communication and the pressure to answer immediately is quite high, no matter what else they may be doing at the time.

"Sexting", sexually explicit text messages or photos sent with cell phones and computers, is a new trend among teens, with one in five teens saying they've sent or received "sexts". Some teens consider "sexting" a harmless flirtation, but it's becoming a serious problem. Teens have been harassed, expelled from school and even convicted on charges of child pornography for sending these types of messages. Many teens do not realize that once they hit the send button, they lose control over a message and that it can easily be shared with others.

It is crucial to have the "text talk" to discuss the consequences of "sexting," the importance of taking cell phones out of the bedroom and out of the classroom too. Parents can take action such as limiting the cell phone plan or taking the phone away for a period of time. Most importantly, explain that you won't limit cell phone use as long as they follow the rules and boundaries.

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Kathleen Olson has spent her career focusing on parenting issues and believes that most issues we face in life go back to parenting. She is an Extension Educator in Family Relations for the University of Minnesota and has two children of her own.

June 25, 2009

Connect @ Home
Helping you connect the challenges you face at home with solutions

Get outside and enjoy nature

Do you remember the time you spent outdoors when you were a child? I lived on a farm, with many opportunities to get outside and run through the fields, garden, make mud-pies, build forts and more.

Parents don't often turn their children loose and tell them to "go out and play" like my parents used to tell me. Few children experience the outdoor unstructured play that has been shown to promote imagination, cognitive learning and healthful activity. Too often, children are sitting in front of a television or computer. In fact, children are about three times more likely to play video games than to ride a bike today.

Many parents, family, environmental and health professionals are concerned with the growing disconnect between children and nature. This disconnect from nature along with a sedentary lifestyle has serious implications for long-term health and well-being of children.

What is keeping kids inside? Parents often mention safety. To counteract this, parents can set clear limits and rules for their children that reflect their age, your neighborhood and available supervisors. Determine if they are allowed in front yards on your block only, or if a local park is safe.

Ask parents in your neighborhood to share times for your children to go outside. This will take away one of the major complaints kids have about going outdoors - that there isn't anyone else to play with. Also, enlist the help of other parents to watch out for the children and join the children outside yourself.

What can parents do when inside activities may seem more fun to kids, with technology available? Parents can limit screen time to a couple hours a day. Make your outside area interesting and ask your child to participate in gardening, feeding birds or building a fort with you.

If you get outdoors yourself, you can make it family time. You can set an example by spending time in nature too. It has many benefits such as a greater sense of calm and reduced stress, which is positive for adults and kids alike. For children, physical activity helps improve concentration, memory and classroom behavior as well as help curb childhood obesity.

We are blessed to live in an area where we have many opportunities for experiencing the outdoors. Children love nature, and they learn by experiencing it firsthand. While it may be challenging to balance safety and supervision with exploration, creativity and wonder, it's too important for children to jump, spin, climb, build, and learn about the natural world. Get outside and enjoy nature!

June 11, 2009

Connect @ Home
Helping you connect the challenges you face at home with solutions

Help children develop skills for staying home alone
By Kathleen Olson, Extension Educator, Family Relations

Summer is here, and if you're the parent of a child ages nine to 12, you can bet this question is also coming from your child: "Why can't I stay home by myself this summer?" How do you know when your child is ready for this big responsibility?

Transitioning a child to stay home alone is a big step for every family. U.S. Census reports indicate that seven million of the nation's 38 million children ages five to 14 are left home alone regularly. Almost 600,000 five- to eight-year-olds fends for themselves and 3.4 million children are under the care of siblings. The national average for "home alone" time is six hours per week, and higher-income parents are more likely to leave kids unsupervised. Statistics also indicate that unsupervised kids are at greater risk of accident, harm by strangers, siblings, or friends and are more apt to commit crimes than those under the care of an adult.

It is strongly recommend that you not leave children under 10 at home alone for any extended period of time. You can check with your local Child Protection Agency to find out age guidelines for children being left alone.

Once parents have decided that it's safe to leave their children home alone, they should talk about safety issues. Parents should tell children they should never open the door for anyone. A discussion about the child's boundaries such as: Can she play outside or visit the neighbors? Can he ride his bike, go to the playground or visit friends?

It is also essential to teach children how to answer the phone and take messages without indicating they are alone. Or, they should learn how to use caller ID or an answering machine to screen calls. A plan of action is important, so parents should post emergency telephone numbers, their work and/or cell phone numbers and numbers of neighbors or relatives who could help if needed. Have a back-up plan if you can't be reached.

Work with your children to set rules to follow if they are staying home alone. Children are less likely to break rules if they are involved in setting them up. Go over rules periodically and post them in a prominent place. When parents are away, they should call home at unpredictable times to see how the children are doing and let them know they will be checking up again.

It is not a good idea to start having children stay home alone all day, every day without a couple trial runs first. Staying home alone should start with a few hours and gradually work up to more time left alone. Then, if the plan is not working, start to look for alternatives.

Hiring a reliable teen to watch your children, swapping time with a relative or neighbor and part time childcare are all manageable options. A combination of these may be an option, along with taking advantage of organized activities and camps available during the summer months. Talk to your child about what he can do to occupy the time alone and help him come up with a list of ideas to provide some structure with a mixture of chores and fun activities.

Staying home alone is a big responsibility for children. It's important for parents to give them the skills they need to be safe and to feel comfortable. Follow up is key. Parents should touch base with their child about how they are feeling when home alone, what worked and what didn't and ask any concerns they need to talk about.
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Kathleen Olson has spent her career focusing on parenting issues and believes that most issues we face in life go back to parenting. She is an Extension Educator in Family Relations for the University of Minnesota and has two children of her own.

U of M News Wires and the columns within them are a free service provided by the University of Minnesota News Service. We ask that you do not alter any of the content, this includes, titles, names and content in the columns. Requests and subscription inquiry should be sent to unews@umn.edu. For more information, visit www.unews.umn.edu and click on "U of M News Wire.

May 28, 2009

Connect @ Home
Helping you connect the challenges you face at home with solutions

The college transition
By Kathleen Olson, Extension Educator, Family Relations

Parents of high school graduates who will be college freshmen in the fall may be already worrying how they can help prepare their student, especially since parenting a college student is not what it used to be.

For today's college students, the world is different. Students are not always able to earn enough at a summer job or part-time college job to keep up with expenses. With e-mail and cell phones, most students are in touch with family members multiple times a week. You will probably be more involved in your college student's life than your parents were with you if you attended college.

Students should know some basic life skills before heading off to college. If you haven't taken time to teach your child some basic skills during their growing up years, use the summer months to work on this. How to do laundry, mending clothes, managing a debit or credit card, basic cleaning, cooking and food safety are all helpful skills to know.

Also explain how the family's health insurance works, what to do if they get sick and how to manage financial aid or loans. You may want to set up a specific time to have a discussion with your child on these topics.

You have probably talked with your child in the past about your expectations related to partying, chemical use, sex, academic achievement and other issues related to personal responsibility and safety. If not, start these conversations now. They will remember these conversations and your values even if they may sometimes make other choices.

As your student begins college, you must trust your child to make good decisions. Whether students are living on campus or at home, they will face new challenges, enjoy new experiences and increasingly take steps toward independence. You can be assured that the lessons you've taught and the standards and values that you've set for the past 18 years will have an impact on the choices he or she makes. Students do consider their parents' values, even as they test their limits and take new risks.

Parents should be available to provide support and be a sounding board for their child, not to solve the problem for them. Your role is to listen, to understand that your student is concerned and to provide encouragement and advice. Visit your student's college website for specific resources and support available on their campus and attend parent orientation sessions if they are available.

You have only a few more weeks to pass along advice and help to your child while they are in your home. But remember, your continued communication and encouragement is important throughout the college years.